Now we are about to reach the end of a decade without you. Ten years have come and gone and life still just doesn't seem normal. I don't even know what normal should be. Honestly, I find something or I start to feel something and I wonder if this is it... my new normal. However, I have become insanely good at ruining it. Its like I have one of those little demons on my shoulder wispering in my ear and before I know it, I have royally fucked up whatever is ahead of me. Mostly relationships... I wonder how many people will stick around with me much longer.
I asked my doctor recently for some Xanax to curb those sudden anxiety attacks I have from time to time... instead he sent me to a behavioral psychologist... not sure how those are the same but whatever. He asked me to focus on the good over the last ten years.. the only way I know how to do that is writing... so here it goes.
2010.
Jordyn Renae. Born June 6 at 12:47am. She was 7 pounds 10 ounces.
Jordyn wasn't breathing when she was born. She has swallowed a lot of amniotic fluids and the cord was wrapped around her neck. Her heartrate was extrememly high but she eventually calmed down. She had all her fingers and toes. Blue eyes and from day one she had your smile. She was beautiful and delicate. I look at this photo now and I fall in love with the tiny human all over again. She was a blessing of life and love amid the massive heartbreak we were all experiencing. She was a reminder to me that God was still good and God was still present.
Amaylie took to being a big sister better than any of us could have imagined. She was helpful and loving. She took great pride in her new baby sister and loved being able to help care for this new little person. I now had two little girls, dad. Your baby girl was growing up.
2011.
Its crazy how much a child grows and changes in just one year. Granted these photos were from nearly the end of 2011 but even still, going from a newborn to a walking, talking (back), sassy little human.. and Amaylie.. man that girl gets a giant dose of personality with each year she is with us. Like, I'm afraid it won't stop. The hormones, dad... how did you ever survive me???
2012.
2012 brought on the Navy life. We had no idea what that was going to do to our family. How everything would change. How we would grow in marriage, grow as parents, grow as people. I'd say adults but I'm still not ready to be an adult.
2013.
Kaylee Michelle. 9/22/2013.
Another girl, dad. Was I really that bad as a kid? LOL. I don't remember how much she weighed exactly because I am still shook by that BROWN hair!!!!!!
Amaylie Elexis. 5 years old. 1st day of kindergarten. Broken arm and all.
I am a girl mom. Destined to raise girls in this wild and crazy world. I'm worried for them more than myself.
2014.
Got a new bike, daddy. She was a powerful beast and oh so beautiful. I got to be the cool mom who rode a dirtbike for awhile. I jumped it too. Like a wild and crazy person with nothing to lose. Except I had a lot to lose.. my beautiful babies so I decided to officially retire from the adrenaline.
Also, we were about to move back to Oregon and the riding scene down there SUCKS!!!!!
But this dad... this was definitely the highlight of 2014. That's Layne... I know he looks extra suave here and that's because he somehow convinced Alyx to marry him! The wedding was beautiful, dad. Everyone was there for Layne... Steve and Kimberly flew out. Mom and Lucas and grandpa Coe. The Smalls. It was perfect. And, I won't spoil the future but amazing things are in store for that kid! And yes, I said things.. as in plural :)
2015.
Confession.. this picture was actually taken right before Christmas in 2014... but I love it so much. All my babies... blonde now if you didn't notice. I don't know what happened but the brown did not stick around.
Okay 2015 looked pretty good on us. Wild and crazy runs in our blood.
2016.
If you really look hard, you can probably guess which one was not at all excited about her first day of kindergarten. Another look into the future.... she still has about the same level of excitement for school as she did this very first day! HAHAHAHAHA.
2017.
I'm so in love with the personalitites these girls have grown. Amaylie is beyong smart and athletic and sassy. Jordyn has no fear and just goes, goes, goes for anything she sees. Kaylee... well that kid deserves a book or ten about her life and shes only 6!!! Don't let these photos fool you though, dad... they fight non freaking stop.
2018. DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!!
First (and probably last) Disney trip with children. Ha. Too much walking. Way to hot. Long lines. Super expensive. The girls complained and fought with each other for two fulls days inside what is supposed to be the "Happiest Place on Earth" but if you asked them today, they can't wait to go back and they had soooo much fun!!! Clearly we were not there together!!
2019.
Okay dad... here it is. The year in the last decade with some of the greatest memories so far. Settle in, its about to get really good!
So you should recognize the three girls... you are probably wondering about the other two tho... Okay. The sweet face in the yellow dress, that is your 4th granddaughter, Isla Rose. And that strikingly handsome boy, that Leo Gerrard, your grandson. Twins. Most definitely not mine though. Those two perfect faces belong to Layne and Alyx. Remember when I said plural? Yep. 2019 was a pretty blessed year for our family.
2020.
Here we are now... May 2nd, 2020. So much has happened in the last ten years. Some pretty rough things, but also a lot of good. You have five, incredibly healthy grandchildren. Each one with their own unique personality and value to the world. Being a mom and watching my girls grow up has been so much fun so far... but watching Layne become a husband and a father, that has been equally awesome. Seeing Lucas find his career and strive and he is without question, one of the greatest uncles of all time.
A little bit of bad news.. Shayne and I got divorced. Almost two months offically now. We separated last year though. I'd like to say I'm doing okay but I'm really not. This year has been rough. Divorce... a decade without you. Currently waiting for our house to sell so I can close this chapter of my life and attempt to move on. Emotionally, I'm pretty wrecked. I thought I was doing pretty good... met someone and all... but I ruined that already.
Dad I miss you soo much still. It hasn't gotten easier yet. Despite what people say... I just don't know that it ever will. I wish I could hear your voice again. See your smile. Feel your hug. What I would give to have you here still.
I love you daddy.
