Bruno Mars sings the well known "talking to the moon.." and tonight I found myself in the front yard staring at what I believe to be Mars... wishing it was darker so I could see more stars.
The smoke has been so thick lately that looking at the stars hasn't even been a thought of mine. Tonight, well, truthfully, most of today.. has been a day I have longed to just hear your voice. It hits me so hard sometimes.. the never ending truth that I will never see you again on this side of earth. I hate it. Some days I hate it more than others. Today I found myself on the couch watching a football game.. during half time they had a special going with various coaches and where they were 20 years ago... some with personal experiences of loss that dreadful day... some who grew up recognizing the twin towers as a staple of life. I felt my eyes filling up as I attempted to even fathom the significance of this day to each and every one of them. Then I remembered you.
What felt so normal of a morning to me as I reluctantly got out of bed and began to get ready for another day of middle school. Now that I think about it, it might have even been just our second day back to school that year. Regardless... I found you on the couch, tears streaming down your face. Anger, hurt, deep sorrow, pain. To me, a plane hitting a building wasn't completely significant. I understood the heartbreak happening and all we could do was watch it.. and I even understood when you told me it was a terrorist attack against the United States... but it just didn't really resonate for me.
All day long we listened to the radios and watched the news as we went about the day. Pretty sure I was annoyed at some point just wishing we could have a normal day since we were so far away from all of it anyways. But the image of you sitting in tears on our couch has never left me.
daddy... today marks 20 years since that awful attack. We came together that day as a country united and we stood side by side, hand in hand, ready to fight, support, and come out stronger. We lost daddy. We lost it all. And today I can't help but feel selfish wishing you were here to be angry with me. Angry at our president, angry at my dirt bag of an ex husband.. angry at myself for more things than I can count.. just plain angry at the world.
I want to take my blankets outside and lay down in the grass watching the sky. I want to be in a movie so I can watch the clouds form into the shape of your face and listen to you talk to me. I'm so ready to wake up from this 11 year dream and find you in the kitchen making some ridiculous breakfast for the girls so I can be mad at you for feeding them junk instead of mad that I can't hear your voice. Every single time something goes wrong, I long to just call you and complain. I want to call my daddy so he can fix the world for his princess.
I'm not joking either.. when I have to slam on my breaks cause the timing of the light suck.. or one of the gazillion times a day that Amaylie gives me attitude.. or when Jared makes me mad or annoyed.. when I see pictures of the twins and Leo looks more and more like Layne every day.. When I get a text message and its stupid.. or the dumb people call me cause my "car warranty is about to expire." I just can't move through the days without you.
Don't get me wrong.. I love knowing that you are safe with Jesus. I know He had a timing I will never be able to grasp. I just hate living without you. It isn't getting easier dad. When will it get easier for me? Why did you stop coming to see me in my dreams?
